dumps

I've been a little down in the dumps lately.

Work has taken a pretty big hit with the economic situation and we've had to go through difficult job eliminations of people that were close to us. Nothing I do ever seems quite good enough. I'm constantly hearing "why haven't you done this" and "you better get some revenue through this door or we're not going to be here much longer". I feel like I'm letting my employees down on a daily basis. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I say, physically, out loud, is "NOOOOO!!" It's not that work is so horrible or anyone there is so awful, it's just everything added together on top of feeling down in the dumps.

My friends are great. But I don't see my old friends that often and usually most of them don't have any money to go do anything. Not going out much doesn't help the down in the dumps feeling. Most of my friends are married and/or have kids. And let me put out the disclaimer that I love them all, I really love all their children and I'm very happy that they're happy (mostly!). But sometimes it's just a reminder of what I don't have and what doesn't appear to be lurking around the corner. Sometimes being surrounded by marriage and kids (and sometimes hearing about little other than kids) makes me feel down in the dumps.

Which brings me to my next subject - the good ol' love department. I'm very comfortable living alone and I'm very adjusted to my lifestyle. But sometimes that scares me. I'm a little too comfortable. I get used to being alone and sometimes don't even think about the fact that time is creeping up on me. No, I know I'm not 40 or 50 years old. But I'm 30 and I am alone. I spent far too much time with the same guy, who brought me many good things in my life, but who I held onto for far too long. I'm 30 and alone, and no relationship appears to be coming in the near future. So the thought that I could be alone forever gets me down in the dumps.

But all the down in the dumps feelings aside, tonight I have decided to get on the ball. I finally got my butt back on the treadmill. It makes me feel better, physically and mentally. And not to mention that it can't hurt in the "finding a man" department! I'm making the decision to care more about how I look and present myself, instead of being comfortable the way I am. I'm going back downtown to take another class in January, even though I don't have to. And I will get out there and do more things, even if I have to go by myself. I know I've said this before, but I WILL. NO MORE DOWN IN THE DUMPS!

2008?

OK so time to check in on my 2008 plan. This weekend I realized, I finally have a life. School is over, I've mostly kept a promise to myself in the last month to work no more than 10 hours per day and I feel like I finally have some control. I can make plans with family and friends. I bought a treadmill a couple of weeks ago and I'm doing pretty good with that and with eating healthy. I vow for my treadmill to NOT BECOME A CLOTHES HANGER! Haha. My house is even pretty clean! World, I'm ready for you!

I'm a Hack

So for weeks (or months), I've been kinda down, trying to figure out where my life is headed. I finally graduated school and got a promotion, things should be good right? I thought I'd see my friends and family more and that work would be going better. But that didn't happen. My old position at work didn't get refilled so I ended up doing more than one job and working a lot (and stressing a lot). I ended up thinking - I'm 30 years old. I'm alone. And sure, I'm successful at my job, but is there more to my life than my job? I don't want to be the 40 year old, never married, no kids, workaholic who wishes she did more with her life. I contemplated leaving my job, starting over, trying to figure out what I wanted. It wasn't that I wasn't thankful for everything I have, because I am. I'm so thankful to the people that have provided for me, pushed me to go further and supported me. But I started wondering if it was what I really wanted.

But than I realized I'm a big gigantic jerk.

I have a stable job. I make a decent amount of money. I own my own home. Sure, I don't have anyone to share it with at the moment, but I'm in a good place in my life. I started to look around and realized that I was overthinking everything. There are a lot of issues around me, everywhere I look. My stepdad is starting dialysis and things are really not going well for him. My real dad, well, most of you know that story, he's long gone. My brother is closing down his business and having a hard time. My mom needs to figure out how she'll deal with my stepdad's illness and in the end, how she might have to live without him. Friends-one with her newborn baby in the hospital, one having relationship troubles, one scared to lose her job. All of this going on, and here I am complaining about my life. I'm a hack, I tell you! :)

I guess all of the things going on around me added up. Then add in work and being by myself and I just started to get stressed out. I started wondering if my life was by choice or by default. But today I realized...what a jerk I am. I've got more important things to worry about right now, like being there for my family and friends.

And to all of you, I'm sorry for not being there as much as I should.

Sincerely,

The Hack

I'M DONE

I'M DONE!

I'M DONE, I'M DONE, I'M DONE!!!

I just finished my last final. Now, as long as I don't fail either of my classes, a week from Saturday, I'll be one of THESE people! And then I plan to have a life!!!! :)

Going CRAZY

I'm SO close to being done with school. All that stands in my way now are two final exams. I'm done with going to class, I'm done with group work, just two finals left. BUT I CAN'T GET THROUGH THEM!!!

#1 - I have no ambition. I'm done, I've had enough.
#2 - The final I'm in the middle of taking at this very second makes absolutely no sense. This is the worst class I have eve tken in my life. The professor makes no sense, I'm learning nothing. Somehow I have to BS my way through. It will be done today. Of course, it's due today. :)
#3 - The other final that has to be done by Friday - so boring. I have no interest in anything that this class has taught me. The work is difficult. The final is timed. I got the 2nd worst grade on the midterm. Therefore, I have some major studying to do.

This quarter was rough. Two classes I detested going to and attempting to balance additional work at the 'shoe on top of it. I can't wait to be done. I cannot wait. Someone better have a drink with me on Friday. :)

Awesome

97 days til graduation. It was pretty awesome when that count went down into the double digits. 48 hours from now I'll be done with finals (stressing!) and this quarter will be over with. ONE MORE QUARTER!!! Now, that being said, I am very nervous about the last quarter. I picked a couple very time-intensive classes and I know that work is going to be very demanding in the next few months, so I'm very worried about balancing the two (not to mention the "other" things in life like family, friends, working out, etc). BUT I'M ALMOST DONE!!!!!! WHOOHOO!!



PS still doing pretty good on the health-watch. Worked out a couple times this week and ate pretty darn good. :)