dumps

I've been a little down in the dumps lately.

Work has taken a pretty big hit with the economic situation and we've had to go through difficult job eliminations of people that were close to us. Nothing I do ever seems quite good enough. I'm constantly hearing "why haven't you done this" and "you better get some revenue through this door or we're not going to be here much longer". I feel like I'm letting my employees down on a daily basis. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I say, physically, out loud, is "NOOOOO!!" It's not that work is so horrible or anyone there is so awful, it's just everything added together on top of feeling down in the dumps.

My friends are great. But I don't see my old friends that often and usually most of them don't have any money to go do anything. Not going out much doesn't help the down in the dumps feeling. Most of my friends are married and/or have kids. And let me put out the disclaimer that I love them all, I really love all their children and I'm very happy that they're happy (mostly!). But sometimes it's just a reminder of what I don't have and what doesn't appear to be lurking around the corner. Sometimes being surrounded by marriage and kids (and sometimes hearing about little other than kids) makes me feel down in the dumps.

Which brings me to my next subject - the good ol' love department. I'm very comfortable living alone and I'm very adjusted to my lifestyle. But sometimes that scares me. I'm a little too comfortable. I get used to being alone and sometimes don't even think about the fact that time is creeping up on me. No, I know I'm not 40 or 50 years old. But I'm 30 and I am alone. I spent far too much time with the same guy, who brought me many good things in my life, but who I held onto for far too long. I'm 30 and alone, and no relationship appears to be coming in the near future. So the thought that I could be alone forever gets me down in the dumps.

But all the down in the dumps feelings aside, tonight I have decided to get on the ball. I finally got my butt back on the treadmill. It makes me feel better, physically and mentally. And not to mention that it can't hurt in the "finding a man" department! I'm making the decision to care more about how I look and present myself, instead of being comfortable the way I am. I'm going back downtown to take another class in January, even though I don't have to. And I will get out there and do more things, even if I have to go by myself. I know I've said this before, but I WILL. NO MORE DOWN IN THE DUMPS!

To my girls

To the ones that keep me sane (somewhat) at the 'Shoe...

The database girls...to Mirta and Alissa who deal with a constantly changing environment that is somehow, at the same time, routine and unchanging from day to day. Dealing with unhappy guests, unhappy hosts, unhappy employees who think many of their problems are our department's fault. Staring at tiny numbers on the screen day in and day out. Living with the reality that in this one department, if a tiny mistake is made, it can cost our company millions of dollars and can cost us our gaming licenses and careers. To Mirta and Alissa. And to Tanya, who above anyone that I work with, keeps me together. She deals with my mood swings and my constant over-organizing and under-organizing at the same time. She dealt with the loss of a manager in our department by taking on COUNTLESS additional responsibilities without complaint. She is often at work with me, side by side, into the late hours of the night...again, without complaint. To Tanya.

The graphics girls...to Sway and Lili who try their best to accommodate every single last minute request (usually with nowhere NEAR enough information). Who keep the front-of-house looking good and who keep our guests informed. Who deal with strict deadlines without a negative thought. Who are creative minds stuck in the world of making signs and informational cards. To Sway and Lili.

The retail girls...to Kathy and Stacy. Who have just gone through a very rough and emotional time, dealing with staffing adjustments, including the loss of some employees in their department. Who sat side by side with me, dishing out rough news, trying to console a room full of crying employees during an extremely hard conversation. Kathy, who keeps the department running smoothly and Stacy, who never fails to smile when times are tough. To Kathy and Stacy.

Having dinner and drinks at my house for these girls is by far the least I can do. Nothing would be the same without them. And we had a great time together and will never forget - Mirta's pole vault, Alissa's knowledge of the Edsel, Tanya's inability to figure out which side to pull the cards from, Kathy refusing to drink my long-expired coffee, Lili's insane closed-eyes drawings and Stacy's belief that people have six senses. Good times!

And to the employees we lost since the last get-together, I truly hope that things are going well for them and miss having them around the office. I wish each of them the best of luck and hope to see them soon and to hear the news of exciting things that are going on in their new careers and in their lives in general.

Thankful

At the beginning of this holiday season, I have come to realize again how lucky I am. I have wonderful friends and family, good health, a nice home that I have made for myself and a good job. Through Facebook, I have been put back in touch with people from my past. Most of them are doing great, many have been through some tough times. And I'm so proud of them all - everyone I have gotten back in touch with has really made something of themselves. Sometimes you have to just sit back under the lights of the Christmas tree and really just be thankful for the things you have in your life.

Let's Go Go Go, White Sox!

Best game of my life. I'm so glad I sucked up the big bucks for a standing room ticket, made friends with an usher, and stood behind home base. So much fun. And, Wise gave me a high five. Bring on the Rays!

2008?

OK so time to check in on my 2008 plan. This weekend I realized, I finally have a life. School is over, I've mostly kept a promise to myself in the last month to work no more than 10 hours per day and I feel like I finally have some control. I can make plans with family and friends. I bought a treadmill a couple of weeks ago and I'm doing pretty good with that and with eating healthy. I vow for my treadmill to NOT BECOME A CLOTHES HANGER! Haha. My house is even pretty clean! World, I'm ready for you!

Satellite stinks

Here I am, home from working working and more working and heading into a 3-day weekend. I've been eating good and working out, and I decided - SELF, let's get some fast food and just go home and relax on the couch tonight watching TV.

DishNetwork had a different plan for me. :(

I'm a Hack

So for weeks (or months), I've been kinda down, trying to figure out where my life is headed. I finally graduated school and got a promotion, things should be good right? I thought I'd see my friends and family more and that work would be going better. But that didn't happen. My old position at work didn't get refilled so I ended up doing more than one job and working a lot (and stressing a lot). I ended up thinking - I'm 30 years old. I'm alone. And sure, I'm successful at my job, but is there more to my life than my job? I don't want to be the 40 year old, never married, no kids, workaholic who wishes she did more with her life. I contemplated leaving my job, starting over, trying to figure out what I wanted. It wasn't that I wasn't thankful for everything I have, because I am. I'm so thankful to the people that have provided for me, pushed me to go further and supported me. But I started wondering if it was what I really wanted.

But than I realized I'm a big gigantic jerk.

I have a stable job. I make a decent amount of money. I own my own home. Sure, I don't have anyone to share it with at the moment, but I'm in a good place in my life. I started to look around and realized that I was overthinking everything. There are a lot of issues around me, everywhere I look. My stepdad is starting dialysis and things are really not going well for him. My real dad, well, most of you know that story, he's long gone. My brother is closing down his business and having a hard time. My mom needs to figure out how she'll deal with my stepdad's illness and in the end, how she might have to live without him. Friends-one with her newborn baby in the hospital, one having relationship troubles, one scared to lose her job. All of this going on, and here I am complaining about my life. I'm a hack, I tell you! :)

I guess all of the things going on around me added up. Then add in work and being by myself and I just started to get stressed out. I started wondering if my life was by choice or by default. But today I realized...what a jerk I am. I've got more important things to worry about right now, like being there for my family and friends.

And to all of you, I'm sorry for not being there as much as I should.

Sincerely,

The Hack

A good month

It's been a great month.

For my 30th birthday, I went to Cabo with Karla, Stacy and Ami (see below). It was a blast! I miss it already. Then we had a big bash at my brother's house for my 30th, his 40th and my mom's 60th. While I wish it wasn't 90 degrees and tornadoing outside, it was still fun!

Last week my promotion was finally announced at work. Assistant Director of Marketing - I'll be over Internet, Advertising, Graphics, Database and Retail. Now if I can just get someone hired in my old spot, I'd be good to go!

Saturday I GRADUATED FROM KELLOGG SCHOOL OR MANAGEMENT AT NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!! The graduation was long and extremely hot, but damn it, after all that work, I was determined to walk across that stage. We left the graduation and I threw an 80's party downtown! It was so much fun, everyone really had a blast. Most people dressed up (see my pic above) and looked totally tubular. A totally fitting end to a totally awesome month, celebrating with all of the people who are closest to me.

Ahhh, do you hear that? That's the sound of freedom.

I'M DONE

I'M DONE!

I'M DONE, I'M DONE, I'M DONE!!!

I just finished my last final. Now, as long as I don't fail either of my classes, a week from Saturday, I'll be one of THESE people! And then I plan to have a life!!!! :)

Going CRAZY

I'm SO close to being done with school. All that stands in my way now are two final exams. I'm done with going to class, I'm done with group work, just two finals left. BUT I CAN'T GET THROUGH THEM!!!

#1 - I have no ambition. I'm done, I've had enough.
#2 - The final I'm in the middle of taking at this very second makes absolutely no sense. This is the worst class I have eve tken in my life. The professor makes no sense, I'm learning nothing. Somehow I have to BS my way through. It will be done today. Of course, it's due today. :)
#3 - The other final that has to be done by Friday - so boring. I have no interest in anything that this class has taught me. The work is difficult. The final is timed. I got the 2nd worst grade on the midterm. Therefore, I have some major studying to do.

This quarter was rough. Two classes I detested going to and attempting to balance additional work at the 'shoe on top of it. I can't wait to be done. I cannot wait. Someone better have a drink with me on Friday. :)

Ahh, Cabo

Ahh, I miss you, Cabo. I spent my 30th birthday in Cabo San Lucas - a 3 night trip with Karla, Ami and Stacy. It wasn't long enough! One of the most beautiful and relaxing places to be, I can't wait to get back again. Some pics below of birthday night.

The start of the evening (drink #1)

Drink # ??? (but our first "yard" of the trip)

How I felt to leave Cabo :(

I will miss you, Cabo. And personally, I don't think my 30th birthday counts if it's spent in another country. Isn't that how it works?

Life Updates

Weight Loss Update - this week I lost 4 lbs. Granted, I've been sick for over a week so I'm sure that has something to do with it, especially since I did not work out or eat healthy. But, I'm down 23 pounds since having my tonsils out. Only 5 million more to go! :)

Work Update - about to go insane. Trying to transition into a new role while still doing my old role and taking on some projects from my boss that just left. Oh, and go to Northwestern at the same time. Yay! At least at work I'm moving forward and taking on some more interesting projects. I just can't wait until we can get someone to take over my old position so that I can devote my time to my new role. 08-08-08 everyone, come on out to the BRAND NEW Horseshoe Casino. There will be nothing else like it.

School Update - in just 57 days, I'll GRADUATE! Just in time. I'm done - I'm just totally exhausted and ready to have at least a little bit of life control back. I think that the moment I walk out of my last class or finish my last final, I'm going to be an uncontrollable emotional mess. I can't even imagine the feeling of knowing that ALL this hard work is over. OVER! I will be so proud of myself...it has been a long hard journey to say the least.

Rockin'

It's worth blogging about again. A SECOND Grand Slam by Crede! We're only 2 weeks into the season! And you wanted to trade him. For shame, for shame. Tsk, tsk.

Ahh, do you feel that? It's baseball season!

After fighting baseball for most of my life, I am now in love with the White Sox. And more specifically, Mr. Joe Crede. Baseball means the beginning of spring, awesome summer nights at Comiskey and (hopefully) a postseason in the fall. I love the team camaraderie of the Sox. I love that they are all absolutely loving playing the game. And I love that people had already counted them out for the season, but they come storming out with a sweep, the AL player of the week and a grand slam in the first week. And again, more specifically, my little Crede. :) After all the talk of people wanting to TRADE my favorite player, he is ROCKING this season so far. A 0.393 average, 10 RBIs and a grand slam already! Way to go, Joe.

Week 4!

week 3 - I lost 2.5 lbs. Which is pretty high considering I didn't eat very good during a work trip. Will it catch up to me?

week 4 - It's Friday (week ends on Sunday) and I've worked out 2 times (tomorrow will make 3). And I've eaten good every day except one (damn pizza and beer!)

And in bigger news, only 77 days til graduation!! One week down in my last quarter, nine to go. AND I GOT TWO A'S LAST QUARTER!!!!!! Go me, go me. :) I told you. 2008 is my year. Why don't you just listen to me already?

weight loss update

well its been 2 weeks since i went back to the gym.

week 1
3 workouts and pretty good eating
weight loss - 1.5 pounds

week 2
3 workouts and not the greatest eating over easter weekend but OK during the week
weight loss - 1.5 pounds

week 3
started today - ate good and worked out!

im on my way! :)

Awesome

97 days til graduation. It was pretty awesome when that count went down into the double digits. 48 hours from now I'll be done with finals (stressing!) and this quarter will be over with. ONE MORE QUARTER!!! Now, that being said, I am very nervous about the last quarter. I picked a couple very time-intensive classes and I know that work is going to be very demanding in the next few months, so I'm very worried about balancing the two (not to mention the "other" things in life like family, friends, working out, etc). BUT I'M ALMOST DONE!!!!!! WHOOHOO!!



PS still doing pretty good on the health-watch. Worked out a couple times this week and ate pretty darn good. :)

Back on Track

I went back to the gym today. After being a big giant loser and not going to the gym since AUGUST when I signed up, I'm back on track. Kristie and Massiel and I have a little weight loss challenge going on, so hopefully that'll work out for all of us. And Stacy, Karla and I have another little challenge going on at work so we can getmore in shape before Cabo in a few months. I'll keep you updated on my weekly progress! (It better be progress!)

Thank You

To those who make the choice to give up their family, friends, loved ones and sometimes their lives to serve our country.

To people in the past, present and future who put themselves in harms way on a daily basis for us. Those who live in unknown countries and who are lonely and scared.

To those who go through an unimaginable experience in those countries, and then come home to flashbacks, horrible memories and people who question the very reason they fought for us.

To those who come back injured and who do not receive the medical services they deserve after serving our country.

To the people that fight for the rights that the rest of us take for granted.

To those that have given their lives for us. To those who have lost their loved ones to war.

To those that are so unselfish that they volunteer for the very things the rest of us live in fear of.

To those that give us freedom that we will never truly be appreciative enough of.

Thank you. Thank you more than you will ever know.

Hmm...

The big 3-0 is coming up. And I'm taking after Kristie and having difficulties with the number. (At least it's at 30, and not at 23!) I know I've done a lot with my life, and I'm proud of what I've done, how far I've come and the person that I am. But I can't help looking at that number. 30. 30! I think the trouble I have with it is that I'm going to be 30 and (most likely) single. I like single, single is fun. I live by myself, I have no one to answer to. No fights. No "put the seat down!" No one to try to tell me what to do. I like single, and 99% of the time, I'm perfectly OK with it. But not forever.

I guess I always thought that I'd be married and have kids, or at least think about having kids by 30. Obviously that's not happening. Which is OK...but there's not even the prospect of that right now, and that's what's scary. I think what scares me more is the kids part. I can't imagine life without having children. And yes, I'm sure I'm just overthinking everything and it'll all work out once I have more time to actually go out and meet people. But I find myself asking..."Self, would I have kids alone? Would I be a single mom?" And I think the answer is yes. Only because I feel SO strongly about having children. It hurts to hear people talk about their kids, to see the love they feel for their kids, and the love they return. It hurts to think I may not see a little one look back at me with my own eyes or nose or cheeks.

So dammit, 30! Why are you making me think all of these things?? :)

Not Part of the Plan

Today, like every other work day, I woke up with a horrible feeling. The feeling that says "you just cannot go into that place today." I dragged myself to work despite being really upset that I just did not want to go (like every other work day). I started my day with three crabby bosses emailing my blackberry non-stop while I was in a 4-hour meeting. I had to leave the meeting because they needed so much *right away*. Fast forward to one minor breakdown (at least I have an office door to close) and a trip downtown for class where I'm taking a Negotiations class. On tonight's negotiation, I do the worst in the entire class. Yay.

Then I realize. I'm acting like a miserable jerk. My employees know I'm miserable, my bosses know I'm miserable. Getting towards the end of 2 1/2 years in school has made me very run down. I'm constantly exhausted, never getting enough sleep or time for the things I want to do. That, in addition to the situation at work, is making me a miserable jerk. No one wants to be around a miserable jerk. AND IT IS NOT PART OF MY NEW 2008 PLAN! :)

I WILL knock it off.

My employees don't deserve to be around an unhappy person (I sure don't like being around my bosses when they are unhappy). My friends and family don't deserve to be around an unhappy person. And, I don't deserve to be an unhappy person. Everything just piles up and sometimes I cannot handle it. But I will realize that school is almost over. (Though I really like it, it is just exhausting.) I will realize that my work situation is not that bad. I will realize that (queue Alicia Keys) EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. No more miserable jerk (or at least not too often).

To 2008...

I've decided. 2008 will be my year. There's a lot coming up this year, not just for me, but for the people surrounding me. I'll turn 30, my brother will turn 40, my mom will turn 60 and I will GRADUATE with my MBA all within one month. I've decided. I'll take control of this year. Granted, I know I can't control everything, but I can strive to make my life closer to what I want it to be.

I'll be working on being physically healthier. I'm not going out with the bold statement of "I'll only eat healthy food and I'll work out every day." I'll be realistic. I'm getting older and it is not healthy to be at the weight I am at. I'll work on being healthier through diet and exercise.

I'll be working harder at school. I have a GPA goal that I'd like to achieve and if I concentrate on my last two quarters, I can do it. I'll still be proud of what I accomplished even if I don't meet my goal, but a girls gotta have goals!

I'll be working on making myself happier career-wise. I'll be graduating in June and it's time to take a long hard look at where I stand in my career. Will I stay where I am? Will I get a new position where I am? Will I change companies? Will I move somewhere else? Who knows. But I will be trying to take my career into my own hands and spend far less time being miserable in my job.

And finally, I'll be working on having more of a life! Many things fall under this goal, especially once school is over. I'll be trying to spend more time with my friends and family. I'll also be trying to spend more time OUT DOING THINGS. I don't go to as many places as I'd like, for many reasons...school, work, homework, hard time finding someone to go places with. I will be doing more things even if it means going out by myself! And who knows? Maybe I can find a nice fella to join me. :)

To 2008...