Hmm...

The big 3-0 is coming up. And I'm taking after Kristie and having difficulties with the number. (At least it's at 30, and not at 23!) I know I've done a lot with my life, and I'm proud of what I've done, how far I've come and the person that I am. But I can't help looking at that number. 30. 30! I think the trouble I have with it is that I'm going to be 30 and (most likely) single. I like single, single is fun. I live by myself, I have no one to answer to. No fights. No "put the seat down!" No one to try to tell me what to do. I like single, and 99% of the time, I'm perfectly OK with it. But not forever.

I guess I always thought that I'd be married and have kids, or at least think about having kids by 30. Obviously that's not happening. Which is OK...but there's not even the prospect of that right now, and that's what's scary. I think what scares me more is the kids part. I can't imagine life without having children. And yes, I'm sure I'm just overthinking everything and it'll all work out once I have more time to actually go out and meet people. But I find myself asking..."Self, would I have kids alone? Would I be a single mom?" And I think the answer is yes. Only because I feel SO strongly about having children. It hurts to hear people talk about their kids, to see the love they feel for their kids, and the love they return. It hurts to think I may not see a little one look back at me with my own eyes or nose or cheeks.

So dammit, 30! Why are you making me think all of these things?? :)